"to be honest sir, we all kinda fell out."
years of waiting- for a ride to finish, for the waves to pull back, for a time to feel like i finally like what i'm doing- seems to me, not so very near.
growing up and old never felt more real. on tuesday it was mighty fun going back to school to see my friends. i don't think i've ever felt
more thrilled about going to school. i could really feel it in my bones when i went to sleep the night before. going to work in the same day was extremely
surreal. as i sat in the office i wondered if school really happened. it felt like two days in one. school + work. not a very fantastic way to end the day. and during the entire course of work, while i was busying myself with mindless jobs, my brains, without much notice stops functioning and start to display mental snapshots of us in my head; us walking along the corridors shouting HANG OUT LEH, us hanging out at macs, at vivo, endless gossip sessions whether we were busy or were not, sitting around in our cosy dds corner just me+uu+xtina+pek. the idea of separation never felt more real. unlike the kind of separation that makes you bawl your eyes out and spend some time hating, this one just makes my heart + stomach feel all weird inside. and i know you can always say, "we can always go out next time, find time to hang out", but you and i we all know that things will never be the same. a sense of loss is involuntarily excited, by the immediate and most genuine growth of distance between us; both physical and emotional.
i just want to say, i miss all of you.
what might happen next-as time passes i think i might wish to speak less. the coming of 2010, was really nothing. 2010 in fact feels like 2009. there were no fireworks in boon lay this time, nor were there any in my heart. all i did was sit around and act like nothing ever happened. well, sometimes i want to be truly great. do something i can ever be so proud of, and set everybody's hearts and mine on fire. now that's the kind of life i want to lead. exciting and meaningful. sure i could make some new year resolutions, try hopelessly to follow a routine. coffee might be a good routine; as your body gets used to it it becomes an addiction. i think my body got used to feeling depressed; but only during a certain period of time every month. and yes it is true, PMD, i get pre-menstrual depression. ever since my little inky heart got trampled on by a certain stinky someone, i find myself feeling sad or tearing over the littlest things every month, before it actually culminates in blood. my heart, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. the final damage this time round, was the damage of abandonment.
just to let you know-to be honest my heart has repaired. though not my body because it is getting very fat. it is not that i can't let go of the past, and hell it is not that i long to speak with love(or rather the lover that is dead to me) again. but i just feel sad about everything sometimes and this inexpressible feeling of sadness is stuck on/in me, like a wet shower curtain. i shall not allow myself to be hasty again. therefore i shall learn to be quiet when i must be.
for now-i will sip on the psychological refreshment, that is our occasional meet-ups and this might be one of the few things in this day/life that rejuvenates me.
i need a peg or loop to hang my idle fancies on.
and if one day, you see blue on my face, tell me that i'm not being stupid or whiny or even dramatic.
but instead tell me, that everything will be okay.
